Psalm 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on [the] Rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song I my mouth; a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. (Amen! Amen! Let it be so!!!)
I began a doctoral program in psychology in August, 2011. The LORD had brought into my life a group of godly women to study the Bible in Spring, 2011; one of them (my dear friend, Cindy) was attending Bible Study Fellowship (BSF). She kept inviting me to go with her to BSF, but with the demands of my doctoral studies, I simply had no time. She was persistent, however!
After more than one year in the doctoral program, I found myself very stressed, and extraordinarily anxious. I have always been an “A” student (at any cost!), and found myself needing to study between 8 – 10 hours pretty much every day to maintain my “A” grades. My peers – much younger than me – typically needed only 2-3 hours daily to attain the same grade.
One Wednesday morning, the group of women came to my home to do our study together. As was normal for me, I had done my 6 miles on the treadmill earlier. I began complaining to them about my stress – that I could not even get a full breath while running because the stress had clenched up my diaphragm. One beautiful woman (Julie, whom I deeply love and respect) asked me if I had ever considered quitting school. I had not, and, at that moment, completely rejected that as an impossibility.
After they left, the conviction grew stronger and stronger…
I quit the doctoral program that afternoon.
I had wrestled with depression since I was 12 years old. At one point ten years before this time (around 2002), my battle with depression nearly brought me to taking my own life. I had a plan that I thought was reasonable, and ruminated on it day and night. I believe it was the LORD Who brought me to a psychiatrist who, while he was plenty “crazy” himself, was a wizard with psych medications. He prescribed a cocktail of 5 big-gun antidepressants, and I came out of my suicidal obsession.
At the time of my quitting my doctoral program (November, 2012), I had been on the psych drug cocktail for over 10 years – at an ongoing cost of more than $2500/month. The evening of my quitting, I felt the LORD tell me to “quit my drugs” (All of them! Cold-turkey!!). I did not give any thought at the time to discontinuation syndrome, or possible death…. I just obeyed Him and quit all of them at once that evening (I took all five at bedtime.). I woke up in the morning (Praise God!), and I woke up completely healed of depression. (And I felt amazing!) The black cloud that had been living over my head since the age of 12 was completely and totally gone! HALLELUJAH!!!!! And it has stayed gone. For 7 ½ years, I have remained completely free of depression. Praise God!!!
The following Wednesday, Cindy again asked me to go with her to BSF. I no longer had an excuse, so she and I attended the next day together.
Susan Rice, the teacher, told a story that first morning. Her story….
A missionary family, Dad, Mom and children, were sent to a remote area in Africa where there was no infrastructure… no running water, no indoor plumbing. One of the children, a small boy of around 4 had a “lovey” – a stuffed friend who had come all the way to Africa with him. The little son loved his Lovey, and Lovey went everywhere with him… everywhere. One day, the boy went in to use the outhouse, and of course, Lovey went in with him. The son came bursting out of the outhouse and ran crying loudly to his daddy. “Daddy, Daddy, Lovey fell down into the hole! Daddy, Daddy, please please help! Please Daddy get Lovey back for me.” Daddy looked into the outhouse and down into the mire at the bottom of the hole. Yes, Lovey was at the bottom partially submerged in the morass and mire. There was no way to rescue Lovey except for Daddy to go down into the mire himself. Daddy got on his oldest clothes, put a ladder into the foul mess and descended into it. He picked up Lovey and brought him out of the sewage. He washed Lovey clean, and gave Lovey back to his son who was overjoyed!
As I listened, the truth of just what Jesus has done for me sunk home in a new way. Tears of joy came – and the truth of my story landed in my heart freshly. I was Lovey – lost into the morass of the world. I was filthy in all that I had done – and all that had been done to me. I could not rescue myself, and I most certainly could not wash myself clean. Jesus, my Beloved Rescuer came down to pull me out of the morass and sin. He has washed me clean, and has gifted me back to His Father (and to Himself). He has restored me to be clean and fully embraced by Him, just as Lovey was made clean and was joyfully embraced by the little son.
Psalm 40: 16-17 But may all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; may those who love Your salvation always say, “The LORD be exalted!” Yet I am poor and needy; may the LORD think of me. You are my Help and my Deliverer; O my God, do not delay.